CD1

So here is CD1...AF in all her glory arrived today. SO the BFN was accurate. At least now we can get started the planning for try #2. The charting and the temping and the vitamins continue. Still caffeine and artificial sweetener free...just barely.
In other news my birthday is on Sunday...as is the Superbowl. Which you might think is cool and awesome and amazing, but in reality is sorta blows. Mainly bc it is my birfday and also because neither of the teams I wanted (the Ravens or the Bears) will be playng.

Birthdays are supposed to be the one day where people really pay attention to you, celebrate you and...

give you cupcakes

rainbows

and a pile of kittens

but alas all I will get is foosball

So...there you have it folks.
Oh and my cable is out, which makes sitting at home by myself with the cats oh so entertaining. At least I have netflix on the Wii....

Negative Ghostrider

So after picking up CS from the airport last night (she was once again stranded somewhere due to weather...this time because of the storm that hit th NorthEast), we went home and I POAS...and it was a BFN. I had a sneaking suspision that was the case, but the test confirmed it. Just to be sure I will be POAS on tomorrow and then if I dont get AF by CD35 I will POAS again and if a BFN is all I get then I start pro.vera to get things "flowing".

So, I am ok with this...but then today when I got in the office I got an email from one of my former co-workers and friends letting us know that she is pregnant...and now I have received like 100 emails* from everyone she sent it to saying how excited they are and they cant wait to see her at a conference soon...

Ok, so I am happy for them...super happy infact! But why oh why did I have to get the email today! Just the icing on the cake I suppose...

But in other news, since I am pretty positive I am not pregnant I dyed my roots last night! And I have a job interview today! Let's hope for the best!

*ok, so maybe it was like 4 follow up emails...but it was still bleh

My favorite Baby Things

So I was over at small obsessions and reading Isa's post on planning and how she has begun "pretend" shopping to get through the tww and it started me thinking about all the fun baby things that I would love to have. It also got me thinking about all the crazy ridiculous looking baby things that are out there. This is my ode to the most ridiculous baby items a parent could own.

via

The Zanky Infant Pillow...oh hey creepy hand pillows that look like thing from the Addams Family. Why yes, go ahead and caress my newborn.

via

The Snot Sucker...what a wonderful name! Yes, please can I add this to my baby registry?

via

Hello Sigourney Weaver...is that your alien baby popping out? No it's just the Peekaru...

via

Oh, your baby is bald? Well now you dont have to wait for nature to take it's course. Instead you can put the dead hair of someone else on your baby's head. Of course! Why didnt I think of that! And it is only $29.95 here at the official Baby Bangs Site

via

Not that babies have been crawling on unprotected knees since, oh I dont know, the first baby came along?!?!? But yes, can I have some baby knee pads please?

And last but not least...

via

In case you dont want to figure out on your own why your baby is crying, here is a gps for the road of newborns...bleh I say to the baby Crying Analyzer...if you buy it now you can get if for $40 instead of $100...

Dumb dumb dumb...dont new parents have to buy enough stuff for their baby without having to think they have to buy even more?

Interesting Article from NYT

I found an article that was posted via facebook from one of my former students...who is now all fancy and stuff, since he works for the Kinsey Institute. Anyway, he shared this article from the NYT:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/19/us/19gays.html?_r=4&pagewanted=1&hp

Here are some of the things that peaked my interest:

• Black or Latino gay couples are twice as likely as whites to be raising children
• Gay couples in Southern states like Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi and Texas are more likely to be raising children than their counterparts on the West Coast, in New York and in New England.
• About a third of lesbians are parents
• Jacksonville, FL is home to one of the biggest populations of gay parents in the country.

Take a read, give me your thoughts.

One week down, another to go

So halfway through my 2ww I can't help but hope and wish and pray that I am pregnant. In addition to all the hoping and wishing and praying, here are some reasons why I think I am pregnant:

I have been sleeping...a lot. On Monday I woke up at 10am, went shopping, came home had lunch and then at 2pm I had this sudden wave of fatigue...so I decided to take a nap. Next thing I knew CS woke me up at 9pm!!! I had no idea that I had been asleep for 7 hours. And after sleeping for 7 hours I still was able to get to bed around 1am. In addition, every day since Monday I have been desperately wanting to nap, even though I have gotten a full nights sleep each night.

I have been having every pregnant person I know rub/bless/share their good baby making luck.

I started having lower back pain today and when I got home from work I discovered the tiniest amount of blood...maybe this is implantation spotting?

My lower abdomen feels like it is stretching out majorly! I was just laying on the couch and felt all types of dull cramps..but it is way too early for AF

I also could be making some of this up and reading into all kinds of nonsense...but a girl can dream right!

#1.2 and some humor

Try #1.2 complete. All in all, less awkward than #1.1. But I still felt like a drug dealer waiting in my car for a phone call from someone to make a delivery. 

That is all. 

Oh, and for your amusement, I found this over at www.twoweekwait.com, more specifically here

- the Big 'O' no longer refers to orgasm, but instead to ovulation
- you show everyone who will look at your bbt charts
- every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps implantation
- it no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out at the pharmacy with both HPTs and tampons in your cart.
- you schedule your social events around your ovulation day
- you talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc buddies understand: ttc, ewcm, bbt, opk, 2ww
- your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature"
- you take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer)
- you refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your new house, because you can't stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you'll be needing.
- you put off buying any fall/winter clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets cooler.
- you clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs
- your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.
- you spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes
- the thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat!
- you make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink
- you get sick but make sure you can take the medicine in case you are pregnant...and would rather stay sick if you can't take the medicine..
- you finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!
- you suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV) - defined as the ability to see pink lines that nobody else can see. It's a very common condition among POASers during the days leading up to the official test day. Research is still being done, but at present there is no cure for it!

Awkwardness Abounds

So we are official...last night was try #1. Let me tell you what happened. With my pictorial interpretation

So, we had already scheduled with KD that I would be coming over to his house to get his swimmers at around 10:30pm*.

I got there a little late, which was okay by him. I wasn't nervous driving there and I wasn't nervous when I got there. I gave him his sterile collection cup and "pre-approved" lubricant. He seemed nervous...or maybe just tired. Anyway he wasn't a chatty cathy as he normally is, but who can blame him.

via

I asked him if he would be more comfortable having me wait outside his house in my warm and toasty car and he said yes.Which I was also most comfortable with. So I went out to my car and I waited and waited and waited for what seemed like forever.

via

I texted back and forth with CS, checked my twitter feed and facebook stalked. FINALLY he called me and let me know he was done and that we would meet me at the front door. I jumped out of the car and went to get the "specimen". He was there and seemed to be more at ease**. I took the cup, stuck it under my armpit inside my coat and then chit chatted for about 1 minute before I was like...ok I gotta go.

I got back to my car, buckled up and proceeded back to the casa. On my way back, I was on the highway and of course the police have blocked all lanes of traffic...meaning that I have to get off the highway and take the side roads home. This would not be a problem if I was good with directions, but even using a GPS I get lost. So as I got off the highway, I was enabling the "highway avoidance" on the GPS while keeping the cup upright and warm and trying not to get into an accident. I finally got a new route that seemed good and continued on my way.

via

As soon as I got home CS leaped into action getting all the necessary items together. And then we did it. While we were preparing the sperm, of course CS and I gagged...twice...since we are both Gold Stars*** Which only made us laugh...and then laugh some more. It was, how do you say, awkward...

CS asked me "Are you ready?" I said " As ready as I will ever be" and it was done.
So there you have it. Try #1.1 done. We have try #1.2, #1.3 and #1.4 scheduled for more decent hours...
All in all it was, how do you say, awkward...but well worth it.

via

*The pobrecito is a starving artist and works 2 jobs...so he didn't get home until after 10pm...hence the late pick up.

**I would be more at ease too if I had just orgasmed...

***While I may be a bisexual, I have never had sex with a man. I was a good girl....

A delayed start

So as I was lurking and trolling online reading blogs this morning as I didnt get ready for work since we have a delayed opening...I began to ponder some things. First, let me preface this with the fact that I have big dreams for myself, which I often do not share with anyone and rarely admit to myself. I dream of one day having my own successful *insert money making scheme here* and being able to make my own hours and not have to report to "the man". I dream of a big family living in a 2 car garage home on a corner lot with mature trees and excellent municipal services. I dream of being able to hang a rainbow flag outside of our house and not worry that it will get egged. I dream of growing old with CS, taking crazy vacations, surprising our kids with a trip to disney world, becoming some sort of "artist" and getting pregnant on try no. 1 (which is today p.s...like how I slipped that in there)*. 

Some of my dreams are tangible, real, and possible...others are flights of fancy. But either way I feel like I have gotten on a delayed start with all of them. Here I am, about to be 28**, living on a college campus in a dorm because I have a job that requires it, no kids, hating my job and having a burning desire to figure out if this is what I want***. I ponder, mull, stew, ruminate, noodle around, and think through what my next steps should be.

Should I go to get my PhD...and in what?
Do I secretly want to be an artist and make fun things on the intrawebz?
Should I go to law school?
Should I go to seminary?
Do I want to live here forever or can I convince CS to move back to my great white north?

Lots to think about, pray about, meditate on, etc etc etc.

And now for your entertainment, my sister in law posted this on fb yesterday and I had to share. She loved it because at one point she was very serious about becoming a sign language interpreter.





*I know that a BFP is unlikely on try No. 1...but a girl can dream. I'm okay with not getting pregnant this cycle, but it would be great. I, unlike CS, have been blessed with the gift of patience. 


**28 is young, I know...but most of the 28 yr olds I know seem to be adrift...are really really immature...making me feel older than I really am because I sorta have it together.


***Getting pregnant is what I want...being with CS is what I want...but all the other stuff is up for grabs. 

Do you have a blog button? Do you want one?

Ok friends, so let me let you in on a little secret. I secretly wish I was the most awesome graphic designer/html code writer in the world. I have learned a couple of things on the web about adding fun things to your blog, one of them being how to make a button for your blog and how to create the code that other people can copy so that they can post your button on your blog. 


While having a blog roll lets people know which blogs you love, having someone's button allows you to show a little more about the blogs that you follow and having your own button to share lets people have your cool blog on center stage. 


So I have posted the code below so that you can make your own button. Here is what you want to do:

1. create and upload an image that you want to use for your button to a site like Flickr so that you can use the html code the site provides.
2. Go into your blog provider and create a widget/gadget for html code on your blog
3. In the widget/gadget paste the following code

[center][a href="http://YOUR WEB ADDRESS/" target="_blank" title="BLOG TITLE"][img alt="BLOG TITLE" src="http://IMAGE WEB ADDRESS"/][/a] [center]
[/center]
[center][textarea id="code-source" rows="3" cols="13" name="code-source"][center][a href="http://YOUR WEB ADDRESS/"][img border="0" src="http://IMAGE WEB ADDRESS"/][/a][/center][/textarea][/center]

Make sure that you replace all the "[" marks  with "<" and the "]" marks with ">"

Replace the red text with your blog address and the Green Text with the html code or direct link for image. The  blue text should be your blog title.  Then CLICK SAVE!

Make sure that there is only one http:// before your web address and before the image web address. If you copy and paste you may need to delete an extra http:// in order for the code to work. 

If you need help making a button I would love to help out! Or if you want me to make you a button email me using the Page above titled "Email Me!" and I will see what I can do!

Lawyer Update

So I forgot to give the oh so important lawyer update.

So the office is 3 minutes from our house. And of course CS was late...but she was coming from downtown and we live in the burbs. When I went to the building the firm was in I asked the front desk , "Um, where is suite 400?" They said "Fourth Floor, they have the whole floor." (oh they fancy huh?!). I went upstairs and after finally remembering the name of the lawyer we were meeting with I went to the receptionist desk and told them I was there. I was taken to the conference room and the receptionist asked me if I wanted some coffee or tea...once again, oh you fancy huh??! We met with Lawyer Mark, who was very nice, very competent and very gay. Our meeting was at 5:30pm and I am pretty sure we were done by 6:27pm. 1 hour = $350. After that hour I decided to become a lawyer...* In addition to learning that lawyers really do make a shite ton of money, we also we learned that in Maryland a known donor contract is not legally enforceable but that it does go towards intent if there ever was a custody battle**. In addition, we learned that since we are doing at home inseminations we will need to keep a log of each and every time we inseminate so that when KD terminates him parental rights and CS does the second adoption we will have documentation to verify that KD was actually the kd and that it could not be anyone else. In addition to all the known donor stuff, Lawyer Mark will also be doing our wills, power of attorney and advanced medical directives. Lawyer Mark also let us know that once a bambino is born that our KD will need to then sign over his parental rights and in Maryland there is a 30 day period in which he can change his mind. After the 30 days and with no changes in the termination of parental rights then CS can file for a second parent adoption. The second parent adoption will take at most 90 days. Lawyer Mark said that basically he will do all the leg work and just make sure that we sign on the right lines. At the end of it all, we are looking at between $6,000 and $10,000.

In addition to all the legal stuff, Lawyer Mark likes to over share: he let us know he has gotten married to his partner in CA and MA, had a civil union in NJ, is slated to go on the largest gay cruise out there (this is after just coming back from the Keys.).*** He also let us know that we are on the right page and that he has a client that found a known donor online and once she had a baby the known donor then proceeded to try to gain full custody. They did not have a known donor contract.

So there you have it. Our lawyer update.
Have a wonderful Sunday!

*this is just another drop in my "i have no idea if my career is what I want to be doing" bucket
** We dont think that this will be an issue, but better safe than sorry
***once again...can I be a lawyer?

Oh Amazon

If anyone ever got a hold of my amazon.com search and purchase history they might have a few questions...like

Why do you need all those specimen cups?...

The needle-less syringes? I dont understand...

EEEEWWW... you bought disposable speculums?

Well yes, yes I did buy all that stuff. And thank you amazon.com for providing me with an avenue to buy all of this from the comfort of my couch while watching ancient aliens on the History Channel.

Oh how fun it is to amass the supplies you need for at home insemination.

Dinner with the KD

We had a wonderful dinner with our KD this evening. Lots of tapas and laughing and delicious spanish deserts. Of course KD knew one of the servers at the restaurant we went to*. Little social butterfly that he is. We had reservations for 6:15 and we were there until almost 9. After lots of tasty deliciousness we talked about the known donor contract we are having drafted, how this cycle is progressing and the schedule of sperm pick ups we will be doing in the next week. We laughed at the awkwardness of it all and how KD was counting down the days until Jan 8th **. So we decided we will be inseminating on CD 12, CD 14, CD 16 and CD 18 just to be extra thorough.

I will keep you posted on how things progress. Oh, and I put up a forum on one of the pages of the blog. I haven't really formalized how it will work, but once I do I will let you know.

-Lipstick

*This is just one of the ways KD and CS are similar. They both love people and every time CS and I go out she see's someone she knows...fun but sorta annoying at the same time.


**If you want to know why Jan 8th was so important to him, read here.

Thanks Meds

Can I get a good cry?

Why yes, yes you can. But not at the appropriate moment.

Thanks meds (and lack there of...I'm off my anxiety and anti depression meds) for making it so that after a lovely evening hanging out with friends I cry crossing the street, and then when getting in the car and the whole car ride home. Oh, and when Chapstick asked me why I was crying all I could utter was "I don't know".

Thanks absence of  meds for making me stressed out about everything. And I mean everything: dinner plans, which socks to wear, how many rolls of toilet paper there are, how much our lawyer costs*, if people think I'm crazy or if I'm the topic of hushed conversations and if I spelled everything in this post correctly**.

Thanks meds for making me want to eat everything in site. Tasty Utz Crab Chips, Reese's Pieces, lots and lots of chocolate cheerios, pizza and more pizza.

But mostly thanks meds for making it just a little more likely that we might get pregnant. If I can survive all the crazy going on inside my head and my heart it will all be worth it. After all, aren't the things most worth having the hardest to grab hold of? The ones that you need to work the most for? I hope so, because even though we are just beginning the whole TTC roller coaster I feel like the ascent to the top has been pretty hard work.

Once we really start I know we will have the momentum to keep going. But right now I am full of all the anxiety that one has right before that big first drop on an unknown roller coaster. You sorta know what is coming because you have been on roller coasters before, but this one is new and you don't know anyone else that has ever been on it and of course you got the front seat so you get to see everything hurtling towards you faster than you can breathe.

That is what I feel like right now. Teeth clenched, knuckles white but more excited than I can put into words and at the same time scared and worried and more emotional than I care to admit.*** I like to have constants in my life and right now I feel like those are slipping away from me.

Of course CS is always there, a steady guide in a rough seas.

But how much can I lean on one person? How much can I depend on one person to listen to me? And...maybe...I need more than one person. Maybe...I want more than one. Maybe...I thought I had that... Maybe...I need to have people that get that right now it would be great if they were there for me...but how do you ask that of someone that is not your wife/partner? I can barely ask her...but even without out asking she already does it. Am I selfish? Do I need too much support? Maybe I am just a whiny bi-atch that needs to get over herself. I don't know.

All I do know is that I don't remember the last time I had a frog in my throat but as I write this I can feel it...and I had forgotten what that felt like. That tight pinching feeling that you get when you want to say more but you cant...and right now I can't.

*ok, even off meds I would stress about this. 


**I read over this post 5 times at least and probably didn't find all the mistakes. 


***ok I admitted alot...but I could have done more. Trust me. 

long overdue update

I have been gone for sometime. Busy prepping and working. So I thought I would share with you the email that I sent to our KD...Welcome to my life. All real names have been substituted by pseudonyms for my protection and amusement

Hello KD!

First, I hope that your new year is getting off to a wonderful start! I hear you have a new job...how exciting =). I hope your new boss isn't a total loser...

Anyway, so I think that this will be the first month for trying to get preggers. Gosh, it seems like just yesterday that we first started talking about this and now here we are. So hear are some details and updates.

Chapstick and I have an appointment with an attorney on Thursday (also your first day of work at your new job right?) in the evening to get the Known Donor Contract drafted. This will be the legal document that we use to establish that we will not be seeking child support from you if and when there is a little bambino created and that you will be relinquishing your parental rights so that Chapstick can go through and become the legal guardian of said little one. Once we have it drafted up we will get it sent over to you and you will need to sign it. I have included a copy of an example that I found on the internet so that you can know what to expect. We wont be getting to crazy with it and it will just basically be a written down version of everything we have already talked about. Here is an example of a known donor contract

http://www.therainbowbabies.com/pdf/Sample_Donor_Contract.pdf

Also, would you be available for dinner sometime this week so that we can work out some of the finer details of how this will all actually work? We are available tomorrow, Wednesday between 5:30-8, Thursday around 7:30 and Friday. I just want to make sure we are all on the same page regarding how this will play out over the next couple weeks.

Just so you know where we are in the whole process I have been tracking my ovulation for the last 2 months and will be taking ovulation induction medicine this month to make sure that I ovulate. I will more than likely be ovulating between January 12th and January 18th so we will need you to be "on call" so to speak during this time. I will most likely be your contact for some of, if not most of this stuff in terms of the when and where, because Chapstick doesn't always do well with these kinds of details (I mean, she can plan a hell of a Halloween Party...but this is more my area of expertise). In advance of our dinner I just want to make sure we are on the same page regarding a couple things:

1) Thanks so much for doing this! It means the world to us

2) Since we will more than likely be inseminating multiple times between the 12-18 of this month,and this is blunt, please refrain from masturbation and sex after the 8th...we want to save those little swimmers. After the 18th you get to party all the time...safely of course!

3) At dinner we can talk about pick ups of the "specimen" (sorry...I don't know of a better way to put it). It will most likely entail me coming to your apartment and waiting for you to make a "deposit" in a specimen cup which I will take from you immediately after since the sperm needs to stay warm and as close to body temperature as possible to survive in the cup. it is so important that I be there to take it from you once you are done. And we would do this multiple days in a row...

4) I just have to put this out there: Please let me know if you are having sex with someone...since I will be exposing myself to whatever you have been exposed to...and I have all the risk. Not that I don't trust you...but I just have to be super safe. Since this is basically like I am having unprotected sex with you...but not really...but sorta yes...you get what I am saying?

5) Thanks so much again! I really dont know how else to express our gratitude for all of this...maybe I will get your face tattooed on me...or maybe not...j/k

I hope this all makes sense and I am so sorry if this email comes off as cold or really business like...I just tend to be a little more to the point than a lot of people... and I am sorry of this email is super long. Bleh, ok I am done. If you want to talk more about this call Chapstick on her cell...since mine is dead right now.

And let me know about dinner this week! Our treat!

Ok Thanks!

Lipstick!