Can I get a good cry?
Why yes, yes you can. But not at the appropriate moment.
Thanks meds (and lack there of...I'm off my anxiety and anti depression meds) for making it so that after a lovely evening hanging out with friends I cry crossing the street, and then when getting in the car and the whole car ride home. Oh, and when Chapstick asked me why I was crying all I could utter was "I don't know".
Thanks absence of meds for making me stressed out about everything. And I mean everything: dinner plans, which socks to wear, how many rolls of toilet paper there are, how much our lawyer costs*, if people think I'm crazy or if I'm the topic of hushed conversations and if I spelled everything in this post correctly**.
Thanks meds for making me want to eat everything in site. Tasty Utz Crab Chips, Reese's Pieces, lots and lots of chocolate cheerios, pizza and more pizza.
But mostly thanks meds for making it just a little more likely that we might get pregnant. If I can survive all the crazy going on inside my head and my heart it will all be worth it. After all, aren't the things most worth having the hardest to grab hold of? The ones that you need to work the most for? I hope so, because even though we are just beginning the whole TTC roller coaster I feel like the ascent to the top has been pretty hard work.
Once we really start I know we will have the momentum to keep going. But right now I am full of all the anxiety that one has right before that big first drop on an unknown roller coaster. You sorta know what is coming because you have been on roller coasters before, but this one is new and you don't know anyone else that has ever been on it and of course you got the front seat so you get to see everything hurtling towards you faster than you can breathe.
That is what I feel like right now. Teeth clenched, knuckles white but more excited than I can put into words and at the same time scared and worried and more emotional than I care to admit.*** I like to have constants in my life and right now I feel like those are slipping away from me.
Of course CS is always there, a steady guide in a rough seas.
But how much can I lean on one person? How much can I depend on one person to listen to me? And...maybe...I need more than one person. Maybe...I want more than one. Maybe...I thought I had that... Maybe...I need to have people that get that right now it would be great if they were there for me...but how do you ask that of someone that is not your wife/partner? I can barely ask her...but even without out asking she already does it. Am I selfish? Do I need too much support? Maybe I am just a whiny bi-atch that needs to get over herself. I don't know.
All I do know is that I don't remember the last time I had a frog in my throat but as I write this I can feel it...and I had forgotten what that felt like. That tight pinching feeling that you get when you want to say more but you cant...and right now I can't.
*ok, even off meds I would stress about this.
**I read over this post 5 times at least and probably didn't find all the mistakes.
***ok I admitted alot...but I could have done more. Trust me.
Our crazy journey in baby making
2 comments:
I just wanted to say first of all, keep breathing--you're going to get through this. And secondly, kudos to you for coping this well with going off your meds at such a stressful point in your life. Seriously, I remember being a wreck when going off a particular antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication several years ago, and that was without the added stress of TTC at the same time. Making a change in meds, even if you taper first, makes your brain a little bit wacky. And taking actual honest-to-goodness steps toward getting pregnant (especially when it requires a carefully regimented battle plan just to acquire some goddamn sperm) would also make one a bit wacky, I imagine. So seriously, it sounds like you're doing an awesome job of keeping it together given the circumstances!
You're not a whiny biatch, and I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is talk about the stuff that's stressing you out. Let someone else share that stress and anxiety, even if that someone else is us randoms on the intarwebz. Hopefully sharing some of the crazy will help you feel a little less crazy on the inside. Also, I hear exercise is good for coping with stress, but since my coping mechanisms typically involve chocolate and peanut butter, I haven't tested that theory yet. :P
Thanks Becky.
Being off the meds sucks...but at least I know why I am feeling the way I am feeling. At least that helps me get through most of the crazy.
Also the wifey does enough exercising for the both of us so I balance it out by eating Chinese food for lunch and chowing on chocolate cheerios.
I too am a sucker for peanut butter and chocolate, mostly together.
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