Negative Ghostrider

So after picking up CS from the airport last night (she was once again stranded somewhere due to weather...this time because of the storm that hit th NorthEast), we went home and I POAS...and it was a BFN. I had a sneaking suspision that was the case, but the test confirmed it. Just to be sure I will be POAS on tomorrow and then if I dont get AF by CD35 I will POAS again and if a BFN is all I get then I start pro.vera to get things "flowing".

So, I am ok with this...but then today when I got in the office I got an email from one of my former co-workers and friends letting us know that she is pregnant...and now I have received like 100 emails* from everyone she sent it to saying how excited they are and they cant wait to see her at a conference soon...

Ok, so I am happy for them...super happy infact! But why oh why did I have to get the email today! Just the icing on the cake I suppose...

But in other news, since I am pretty positive I am not pregnant I dyed my roots last night! And I have a job interview today! Let's hope for the best!

*ok, so maybe it was like 4 follow up emails...but it was still bleh

Thanks Meds

Can I get a good cry?

Why yes, yes you can. But not at the appropriate moment.

Thanks meds (and lack there of...I'm off my anxiety and anti depression meds) for making it so that after a lovely evening hanging out with friends I cry crossing the street, and then when getting in the car and the whole car ride home. Oh, and when Chapstick asked me why I was crying all I could utter was "I don't know".

Thanks absence of  meds for making me stressed out about everything. And I mean everything: dinner plans, which socks to wear, how many rolls of toilet paper there are, how much our lawyer costs*, if people think I'm crazy or if I'm the topic of hushed conversations and if I spelled everything in this post correctly**.

Thanks meds for making me want to eat everything in site. Tasty Utz Crab Chips, Reese's Pieces, lots and lots of chocolate cheerios, pizza and more pizza.

But mostly thanks meds for making it just a little more likely that we might get pregnant. If I can survive all the crazy going on inside my head and my heart it will all be worth it. After all, aren't the things most worth having the hardest to grab hold of? The ones that you need to work the most for? I hope so, because even though we are just beginning the whole TTC roller coaster I feel like the ascent to the top has been pretty hard work.

Once we really start I know we will have the momentum to keep going. But right now I am full of all the anxiety that one has right before that big first drop on an unknown roller coaster. You sorta know what is coming because you have been on roller coasters before, but this one is new and you don't know anyone else that has ever been on it and of course you got the front seat so you get to see everything hurtling towards you faster than you can breathe.

That is what I feel like right now. Teeth clenched, knuckles white but more excited than I can put into words and at the same time scared and worried and more emotional than I care to admit.*** I like to have constants in my life and right now I feel like those are slipping away from me.

Of course CS is always there, a steady guide in a rough seas.

But how much can I lean on one person? How much can I depend on one person to listen to me? And...maybe...I need more than one person. Maybe...I want more than one. Maybe...I thought I had that... Maybe...I need to have people that get that right now it would be great if they were there for me...but how do you ask that of someone that is not your wife/partner? I can barely ask her...but even without out asking she already does it. Am I selfish? Do I need too much support? Maybe I am just a whiny bi-atch that needs to get over herself. I don't know.

All I do know is that I don't remember the last time I had a frog in my throat but as I write this I can feel it...and I had forgotten what that felt like. That tight pinching feeling that you get when you want to say more but you cant...and right now I can't.

*ok, even off meds I would stress about this. 


**I read over this post 5 times at least and probably didn't find all the mistakes. 


***ok I admitted alot...but I could have done more. Trust me.